Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.