In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
You Might Also Like
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
That’s amazing.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.