My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.