Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!