‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.