Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
You Might Also Like
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The cashier just checked me out.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters