Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
this is the most humiliating day of my life
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
any last words?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings