@wolfpupy: hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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@AndyAsAdjective: [SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] "enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes"
@LindaInDisguise: Coworker: What was your college major? Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
@VicFuture: Why its called 'having your period' and not 'rolling out the red carpet ' I'll never know.