Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
🤣🤣
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND