Come back with a warrant
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Well, shit
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
#dalle2
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.