“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?