Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.