@Amusitr0n: Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"
@simoncholland: My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
@EliBraden: 71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.
@BatmanOffDuty: One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.