“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Breaking news:
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant