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"Hi it's me"
"Oh hi me"
@iwearaonesie: wife: know what today is?
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
@Karate_Horse: me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you
@ElleOhHell: 5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
@grimpossible: "Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."