Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
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remember
only for emergencies
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Seems legit
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.