God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
sin harder.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I finally found a reason to live again.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Banking tips
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.