Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.