Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
This hospital has everything
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?