P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?