[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
There are usually two types of merchants.
How come when someone says âwe need to talkâ itâs never about ice cream or Star Wars?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
đ„
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, âI did. There were a lot of free snacks,â and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
please someone make a recipe page thatâs literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someoneâs culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
911: whatâs your emergency
Me: I canât find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* thatâs how I lost it
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, âWhy donât you try lunges?â
I said: âThatâs a…big step.â
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]