Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads