[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
motivation
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*