*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
ok like just. call me at this point
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material