[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I identify as an antique shop.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more