Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
how long have you had this for?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My Sentiments Exactly
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.