HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Woke up against my better judgement again
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.