HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
me when I see my crush
Introverted vegans go meetless
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
This will teach them to underestimate me
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno