Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Extremely relatable.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install