Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.