My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend