No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
my mind
You just read my mind