Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
seems fine
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
sistine chapel
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER