HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s