I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.