Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’d hang this in my house.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax