Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
What my back needs
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.