HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Had to try this trend 😊
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work