I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.