Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
work smarter, not harder
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.