HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Did a trash talking tree write this?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks