Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
You Might Also Like
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.