Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.