Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
respect
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER