Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help