Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
getting groceries
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard