Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
@ candidates for local office
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Why I divorced her.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.