Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.