Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
You Might Also Like
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side