Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m going to need a moment here.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.