my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs