Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea